


I don’t want your sacrifice

by pepi



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Captain America: The First Avenger, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-Captain America: The First Avenger, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-26
Updated: 2014-08-26
Packaged: 2018-02-14 21:57:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2204505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pepi/pseuds/pepi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky wants to sacrifice something very dear to him, just to help Steve. But Steve does not want him to…</p>
            </blockquote>





	I don’t want your sacrifice

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language and this has never seen a beta. Sorry!

**The 1940s**

Steve felt uneasy. Something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong with Bucky. With Bucky, his boyfriend. Usually thinking of Bucky as his boyfriend made Steve smile, but not this time. Bucky was sitting on their shitty couch in their shitty apartment and wasn’t meeting Steve’s eyes.

“Bucky? Please talk to me. Please! What’s wrong?”

But Bucky just shook his head, stood up and went to the door.

“I need to think. I need to think somewhere else. Be back in an hour or two… No need to wait up for me.”

And he was gone. Steve starred at the closed door. Had something happened to Bucky he didn’t want to talk about with Steve? How could that be? They talked about everything. Had Steve done something wrong??? Steve put away the dishes, just so he had something to do. Waiting for Bucky was always hard, he always wanted his lover to be back home and in his arms. But this time it was worse than waiting for Bucky to come home from work or a night out. This time Steve wasn’t even sure he wanted Bucky to come home because he wasn’t sure he wanted to hear what Bucky had to say. He was scared shitless and of course still wide awake when Bucky did come home, three hours later.

“I told you not to wait up.”

Bucky sounded almost mad when he saw Steve still sitting up in their bed. Steve winced at the sound of Bucky’s voice. He only ever was mad at Steve when he got into another fight or wasn’t taking care of himself. But now Steve hadn’t done any of that and he had no idea why Bucky was so mad at him.

“I couldn’t sleep even if I tried. What is going on?”

Bucky sighed and sat down on the couch. “Go to bed Steve. I’m staying here on the couch. And I will stay here on the couch in the future. You can have the bed to yourself.”

Steve starred at Bucky. “What do you mean ‘I can have the bed to myself’? I don’t want the bed to myself. What gave you that impression?”

Bucky looked away and down at his feet. “Nothing… But it’s better this way. For you…” Before he knew what he was doing, Steve stood up from the bed, their bed, and walked toward Bucky on the couch. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? I sleep better with you beside me, you know that. And you can help me when I can’t breathe or get and asthma attack…” But Bucky was shaking his head. “No, it’s better this way… If we… We don’t…” Slowly and painfully Steve understood what Bucky was saying. “You… you mean us. You don’t want us anymore?” Bucky nodded and Steve sat down, there, in the middle of the room, on the floor. “You can’t mean that! Bucky, tell me you don’t mean that!” Within seconds there were tears in his eyes and he felt like his insides were bathed in ice cold water. Bucky was breaking up with him… “But Bucky… why? Was it something I did?” He sounded desperate and he knew it but he didn’t care. He was hurting in a way he never knew he could. This felt worse than any coughing fit or any asthma attack or any sickness he ever had. “No Steve. You were perfect… you ARE perfect…” Bucky’s voice was soft and Steve could hear the pain. “Then why? Why Bucky?” Slowly Steve started to move towards Bucky, not really crawling, not really walking. Just moving. “Because we can’t do this anymore. It’s dangerous and I could never forgive myself if you got in trouble because of this. And I see how much it hurts you when I go on dates with dames to keep up appearances, even though we both know all I want is to come back home to you. So I’m putting my foot down and I’m breaking up with you, hurting you once and never again.” Bucky looked down at Steve who was now sitting almost at Bucky’s feet. “But… Bucky no, please. Don’t. We… we can work through this… we can!” But Bucky shook his head and Steve grasped the little bit of stubbornness he could find left in him. “Don’t I get a say in this? You say you do this for me but I don’t want you to do this for me!” Again Bucky shook his head. “No, you don’t get a say in this. I promised you and your mom I would take care of you. And I’m doing it now.” With that Bucky stood up and went to their bed, took his pillow and one of the sheets and lay them down on the couch. “Please Steve, go to bed.” All the fight had left Steve and all that was left was pain and emptiness. He got up and stumbled back to their, no his, bed and buried himself under the sheets. This night, for the first time since Bucky had first kissed him, Steve cried himself to sleep. Bucky never came to comfort him.

The next days and weeks were torture, for both of them. They still lived together in their one room apartment so they saw each other all the time. Steve never wanted to suggest for either one of them to move out, he still wanted Bucky around, even when it hurt and Bucky only once spoke about it. “We both know neither one of us can afford a place of their own and it will get easier. So we stick together and make it through this together.” So that was that and they lived their lives, together but not together. Steve found a job at a small grocer. Nothing much, just a few hours. But every evening the owner would hand Steve a small bag of food he couldn’t sell anymore. So at least they didn’t have to add hunger to the things that made Bucky and Steve miserable. Because Steve could see just how miserable Bucky was. He knew Bucky didn’t sleep more than he did, he could hear him tossing and turning on the couch. So one morning Steve suggested Bucky should take the bed. Bucky got so mad at him for even suggesting it (“and you and your asthma on that dusty couch. No you will not!”), Steve had to leave the apartment for an hour to calm down. And Steve could swear Bucky got up one night and walked over to the bed just to stand there, looking at Steve and then walking back to the couch. Steve was miserable, Bucky was miserable, but every time Steve tried to talk to Bucky about it, the other man got up and left, telling Steve to just “don’t!”. So Steve stopped. Steve gave up. For the first time in his life, Steve gave up. He couldn’t understand why. Bucky was the most important thing is his life, and he gave up. He just couldn’t fight anymore. He couldn’t fight Bucky, who was fighting himself.

And then, one day, everything changed. Well, not everything, but Bucky’s mood. He looked a bit happier, almost hopeful. And he went out in the evenings again, leaving Steve alone in their apartment. Steve wasn’t dumb, he knew what had happened: Bucky had met someone. Probably a girl he could take dancing. And Steve was happy for him, happy his friend got a shot at a normal life. But Steve was hurt as well. And so he cried himself to sleep every night Bucky wasn’t home.

Steve opened the door to their apartment, bag full of vegetables in one hand. “Bucky, Mr. Hill gave me enough vegetables for a healthy broth! You hungry?” But it wasn’t Bucky who sat at their table. It was a beautiful girl, long, dark brown hair, brown eyes and a shy smile on her full lips. “Hey… Steve, I presume?” Steve nodded, putting the bag down by the sink. “Nice to meet you. Bucky told me all about you. I’m Susann.” Again Steve nodded. Who was she? What was she doing in their apartment? And then it hit Steve: this must be Bucky’s new girl. Just in this moment, Bucky came through the door. “Honey, I’m back. Oh…” Bucky smiled shyly at Steve and set down the newspaper he apparently just got from the grocer around the corner. “So, I see you two have met.” Steve nodded and turned toward the vegetables he brought. “I wanted to make a broth with the vegetables Mr. Hill gave me. But I can be out of your way in just a minute.” He made it sound like he was doing it for them; but really, he was doing it for himself. If this Susann really was Bucky’s new girl, Steve did not want to stick around to see them being all in love. “No no, Steve, please stay. We want to talk to you about something.” Steve never could say no when Bucky smiled at him this way. So even though Steve knew, whatever Bucky and Susann had to talk about with him would hurt him, he nodded and sat down at the table with the two of them. That’s when he noticed the ring on Susann’s finger. A small gold ring with a little scratch on it. It belonged to Bucky’s mother. And now it was on Susann’s finger. Steve’s world shattered around him but he kept on a brave face, smiled at Susann. “I see congratulations are in order.” Steve pointed at the ring. Instead of thanking him or blushing or reacting any way Steve would have guessed, Susann began to laugh and shook her head. Confused Steve looked at Bucky who just smiled and then, to Steve’s amazement, took Steve’s hand in his. “She is just keeping it safe. For you.” Now Steve was even more confused. “What?” Instead of answering right away, Bucky pulled Steve’s hand closer and gave it a small kiss. “She is keeping the ring safe for you so one day I can give it to you. I love you Steve and thinking I could just break up with you and make it go away was one of the stupidest ideas I ever had.” “Yeah it was.” Steve was surprised by his harsh words, but Bucky just laughed. “So Steve, love, will you forgive me and take me back?” Steve nodded so fast he was afraid he might dislocate his head. But Bucky stopped him with a happy smile and a small kiss. Oh how he had missed those kisses. But Steve was still confused. “The ring… Susann…” With shock he looked back at the girl. Bucky had never kissed him in front of anybody. It was too dangerous. But Susann just smiled at them. “I’m the ruse. Instead of dating a bunch of girls and hurting you in the progress, he is just dating me. And since we are at war, no one is going to expect us to get married anytime soon. So we can have a long engagement. And after our little dates at the cinema or the diner or whatever, Bucky is going to be the perfect gentleman he is and drop me off at my place with a shy goodnight kiss. I can go home to my love, Isabella, and he can go home to his love, you. And nobody will question what is going on behind closed doors since Bucky and I are sooooo in love with each other.” Steve just starred at them. “You… you came up with a plan… to…” Bucky nodded. “Yes, Susann needed someone to keep all the other fellas away from her and I needed someone to go dancing every once in a while to keep up my appearances. It’s a win win situation. Also, maybe, sometimes you and Isabella can join us on double dates…”

So that’s what they did. And the four of them were really happy with the arrangement. It worked wonders. People talked about how great Bucky and Susann were together and how great it was, that they wanted to wait for the war to be over to get married. Steve and Isabella got on great as well, they might not have been able to fake a romantic relationship the way Bucky and Susann did, but the double dates still worked. And at the end of the night they could fall into bed with their lover next to them. Susann always made sure to show Steve the ring and how good she took care of it, polishing it and handling it with care. “For when you finally get to wear it.” None of them ever talked about the fact, that Steve would never get to wear the ring, it just wasn’t possible. But it was nice to pretend.

When Bucky had to ship out they decided Bucky would try and send some money to Susann as often as possible. It would be the normal thing to do, sending money to his fiancée. But Bucky made Susann promise to share the money with Steve, make sure he gets his medicine and enough food. Steve protested, he could take care of himself. “Yes, I know you can. But one day you will wear that ring and I’m making sure my best guy is healthy when that day comes!” That shut Steve right up.

 

**2015**

 

Steve was sitting on their Sofa in their apartment in Brookline and smiled at Bucky as the other man came home.

“Hey. How are you?”

Bucky was good, he was dealing with his past and the prospect of a future. Steve no longer worried when ever Bucky left the apartment on his own and he didn’t even ask where the other man was going anymore. He trusted Bucky and Bucky came back, every single time.

This time, he was smiling. A happy smile that looked so much like the smiles Bucky gave him 70 years ago.

“I’m doing wonderful darling. How are you?”

Bucky sat down next to Steve and cuddled up to the taller man. Before Steve could answer that he was doing wonderful as well, Bucky grabbed Steve’s hand, pulled it closer to his body and pressed something into the palm of Steve’s hand. He let go and smiled up at Steve who looked down at his hand puzzled. There was a ring. A small and simple gold ring with a small scratch on it.

“Bucky…?”

“I found my mom’s ring…”

Bucky still smiled at Steve, a warm and content smile.

“But…”

Steve was confused. Where did Bucky find that ring? Was it really his mother’s ring? Why was he giving it to Steve?

“I always said you should have it. Now you can.”

“But… How?”

“Susann kept her promise. She kept the ring safe. She eventually married a guy called Tom who was secretly in love with his coworker Kevin… Anyway, they were happy with their arrangement and actually had a daughter. Susann gave the ring to her daughter Stephany as a reminder that love was real and sometimes you have to fight for it but there will always be a way…”

“But…”

No, Steve wasn’t any less confused.

“It was always your ring. I’m pretty sure my mother knew who I wanted to give this ring to all along.”

Was Steve going crazy? Did Bucky know what he was saying?

“I’m not saying we have to get married or anything… I just thought I’d give it to you, because it’s yours anyway and I want you to have it. I know that accepting a ring from a partner usually means some sort of engagement has happened or whatever. But it doesn’t have to be that way with us. You can just wear it on a chain around your neck. Or not at all and just keep it here at the apartment… Or… Whatever…”

Bucky stopped rambling. Suddenly he was shy, his smile was gone and he was looking down at his feet.

“Bucky!”

Steve took Bucky’s hand in his, gently forcing him to look at him with his other hand.

“Will you please put that damn ring on my finger where it belongs and ask me to marry you so I can say yes and cry about how happy I am to have you!?!”

Bucky’s eyes widened almost comically but his lips spread in a happy smile as he got down on one knee, looking up at Steve.

“Steven Grant Rogers, will you marry me?”

“Yes! God damn it yes!”


End file.
